Waiting with expectations?

I'm sitting in Starbucks and thinking about life.  It's not an unusual thing for me to do by any means!  It just hit me that I am half way done with my time at Brown Mackie--THIS is a good feeling.  I have completed 6 of my OT classes and if you have kept up with me at all, you'll know it's been stressful.  I am getting ready to embark on my first fieldwork experience.  One week of observations at a nursing home in Plymouth, IN.  I am incredibly anxious.  I don't know what to expect, but I'm ready for some out of class experience in this field.

I'm in the process of trying to figure out the...well the rest of my life! That's a semi-true statement, but honestly I can only make so many plans.  I've been unemployed for 3 full weeks and financially I'm done for.  I've been on the job hunt and I am currently waiting to hear back about a cashier position at Gordman's.  Due to the lack of income, I'm searching for a cheaper living arrangement.  While I currently live pretty cheaply, having no income make even this lifestyle hard to manage.  I've been seeking out my options, but all of the unknowns are causing more stress than I desire to deal with.  Even negative answers are better than complete unknowns in my book.

If anything--this season of life is teaching me a lot about humility and even more about dependence on God.  God's asking me to be patient and I don't want to be.  I'm ready to have a job so I can pay my bills.  God's evidently putting me into a deeper walk that requires more trust and more vulnerability than I anticipated.  I heard a song on the radio this past week on my way to school.  The first line said,

If faith can move the mountains, let the mountains move.  We come with expectation, waiting here for You.

I quickly turned up the volume so I could listen to the rest of the song. 

You're the Lord of all creation and still You know my heart. The author of salvation, You've loved us from the start. 

In that moment I could tell this song was played for me to hear.  I had spent last weekend meditating on the verse Matthew 17:20 "...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."  I shared with a friend that my faith must be at the cellular level of that mustard seed!!!  The song continued into the chorus...

Waiting here for You with our hands lifted high in praise. And it's You we adore, singing alleluia.

The beginning said "we come with expectation, waiting here for You." How often do I come with expectation, but I am unwilling to wait for Him??  The chorus shattered my heart when I came to the realization that I have NOT been waiting for Him, with my hands lifted in praise!  I am instead coming with all sorts of expectations, begging God to come through in my moment of need yet never surrendering my will to Him.  WELL NO WONDER I'M NOT GETTING ANYWHERE!  God is not here to just make things happen in my life!  He is here to be loved, worshipped and praised by ME!  By His precious, chosen child!

This song, "Waiting Here For You" by Christy Nockles is the new cry of my heart.

You are everything you've promised, Your faithfulness is true. We're desperate for Your presence, all we need is You!

http://youtu.be/J3OEGnH5x8g

Sunrise with Jesus

I took a much needed walk with Jesus this morning.  It's been the most draining month of my entire life.  Academically--I've never endured so much dreaded work.  Spiritually--I've never had such a dry, distant season.  Emotionally--I've never had so many ups and downs in this short of a time span.  Physically--I've never felt so exhausted after getting so much sleep.  Socially--I've never experienced a craving of friends AND alone time at the same time so much.  To sum that up--it's just been a ridiculous month!

So back to my starting point, I went on a walk with Jesus this morning.  As I arrived on the campus of the University of Notre Dame, I had a very faint idea of where I was attempting to go.  Despite living 10 minutes away from Notre Dame for the past 5 years, I had never stepped foot on the campus prior to 6:50am today.  I parked in what I presumed was the south visitor parking lot (though I later found out it was not) and started walking towards the back of the campus to get to the campus lakes.  I finally caught sight of the lakes and looked up to the sky.  My goal was to get down to the lakes just as the sun was coming up.  Whether it was my awesome timing or God just allowing it to work out, I was in the perfect place when the sun began to shoot colors across the sky. 

As I continued around the first lake, I thought to myself, "He did this for ME."  I am a firm believer that God does answer prayers and I was praying for a beautiful morning--it was that and so much more.  It was one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen...which is saying something!  For not being a morning person, I love, love, LOVE the opportunity to see the sunrise.  I used to wake up at obnoxious hours in high school with a friend to go see the sunrise.  We haven't done it in a long time, and I was well overdue for another encounter with the first rays of dawn.

After the brilliant colors of the sunrise disappeared, I finished walking around the first lake and headed towards the second lake.  By the end of my walk, I had one thought going through my head that has not left me all day.  "Amidst the busyness of life, God is still here!"  After an insanely crazy month, I needed this reminder.  Through all my struggles, God is still here!  In the darkest of nights, God is still here!  In the moments that life gets me down, God is still here!  There is a promise in Hebrews 3:15 that I need to cling to every waking moment of my life.  “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you."  Even when I do get bogged down with the busyness of life, Jesus is still the Lord of my life.  I find comfort in that.  Comfort, knowing I am not, nor will I ever be alone. :)

It was a good morning, but you better believe that I went home and took a nap afterwards! :)  The last two pictures are pictures from this morning that I wanted to share just because I can.

Marching through 2011

Okay--forgive my cheesy title.
It's March already and I don't know where the time is going. January proved to be a relatively easy month of school. It was time consuming but not mentally draining, which was a big blessing. Health wise things got interesting. I ended up in the ER after dealing with some severe pelvic pain. By the time I saw the doctor almost 6 hours after arriving, the pain had stopped. They told me the pain was from cysts on my ovaries rupturing and there was nothing they could do. My body just reabsorbs the fluid, so I walked out with a prescription for Vicodin. All 6 hours of waiting just for a little piece of paper. Fabulous, huh? Well I've carried the pain meds around with me for the last month JUST in case, but luckily nothing has happened again. While I've never given birth---that was the most extreme pain ever!

February passed with a great deal of stress due to a very intense class at school that involved memorizing lots of bones and muscles in a short 4 week period.  I came out of the class with a decent grade (better than expect!) so I have no complaints now.  I don't even know what else took place in February because school demanded so much of my time.

And now it's March!  The month has started off kinda rough.  School has once again been very difficult so far.  I'm half way done with my class and am MORE than ready to accept it as part of my HISTORY! :)  Soon enough it will be, so I should stop wishing away my time. 

Outside of school, I honestly don't have much of a life.  Work is time consuming, though not very exciting.  I'm in the process of training some of my students to become "Student Managers."  It's pretty fun!  Ya know...I like this manager position.  I enjoy being in charge and I love teaching my "mad skills" to them! :)  Okay...skip the mad skills part--I just enjoy the training process.  It gives me something to be proud of, I guess.  I'm proud to have the skills and qualifications to do it, and it makes me proud to see my workers stepping up in leadership.

Well I think it's time to wrap this post up.  I've enjoyed being able to blog again...I need to do it more often!!!  It's a good stress relief! Later days, people!

20-- what?!?!

Am I the only one reminiscing on the year 2000 and laughing at the whole Y2K thing?  But seriously....2011?!  Doesn't seem possible.  A lot has gone down in the last decade.   Here's a little something to put it in perspective...let's see here, I was in 6th grade when 2000 hit.  So in the last decade I finished junior high, senior high and college.  How crazy is that?

So, what are my plans for 2011?  I plan to finish out another college degree...that's probably the biggest goal!  Outside of that, well I really don't have much else to think about.  I know I will continue to learn and grow in all aspects of my life.  That's just the way life works!

I ended 2010 with a couple exciting things.  I adopted a cat!!! :)  Her name is Molly and I love her to pieces!  She's a big furry goofball but lots of fun to have around.  I also got to take a little adventure to downtown Chicago with my sister to check out the Christmas lights of the city.  Talk about a ridiculously cold idea! :)  I think the other fun adventure was trying out some old cooking/baking tricks from my mom.  Made my mom's granola for the first time and it was a great success.  Also tried my hand at making my own cream sauce to use for pasta--a success as well (this was a pretty easy task though)!

For the first time since my junior year of high school, I had NOTHING to do during "Christmas Break."  I didn't have to work and I really didn't have to think about school either.  It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice.  I totally vegged out the last few days of this year.  Lots of "me" time--reading, cooking, sleeping,

cleaning, playing around on the computer...all the stuff that I love! :)  I've loved every minute of it!  I even let it roll over into the new year!  Last night was the first night I left my apartment since Wednesday. It was a good feeling.

To start off the new year in the best way possible, I went to my favorite place on the east side of the Mississippi River--Silver Beach, St. Joseph, Michigan.  Yes...I went to the beach in January.  The pier at this beach is absolutely amazing during the winter.  It becomes ice covered and turns into a breath-taking view.  I would have loved to spend more time taking pictures, but it was more than cold and I couldn't feel my body by the time we got back to the car.  It was totally worth it though!

What is December all about?

  Wow....December already?!  I feel like it should be September still...except there is snow on the ground, my winter coat is hanging on the chair behind me and my boots are on.  So ready or not...winter has unofficially, officially started.  I just got done enjoying my favorite Starbucks drink and a wonderful conversation with a dear friend.  I decided before heading back to my apartment that I would write a new blog post.  We are three days into this month, but December has become a little overwhelming already.
  Well, back track to November 29th.  I started another new class at Brown Mackie.  I finished my November class with a 96%.  I have started my core classes now...so I'm officially in the OTA program!  So TECHNICALLY I can start putting special little letters at the end of my name..."Rose Geertz, OTAS"  Haha...I am an occupational therapy assistant STUDENT.  When I graduate I will be an OTA...and after I pass my certification test, I'll be a COTA...and if I go on to get my masters I'll be an OTR.  Okay, sorry for the little rant, but someday those little letters will mean something :)  This class started on Monday and will go until December 22nd.  I have buckled up for a rough month.  This class is TOUGH!  It's definitely a lot harder than the other two classes I've had at Brown Mackie.  The worst part....they keep telling us that it's the easiest class in the program!!!!  I have 6 books for the class and I get to read multiple chapters each night after class.  EEEK!  God's strength will be the only thing to get me through this crazy month of class.
  December 1st--marked the beginning of my 5th month out on my own.  It's hard to believe...but I've got all my Christmas decorations up, which makes me happy!  :)  December 1st also marked the 6th anniversary of my friend Matt's death.  It just doesn't seem possible that he's been gone for that long.  With each passing day, we're one day closer to being together again.  As I visited the cemetery last weekend, memories flooded my mind of our times together.  Since Wednesday, memories of his funeral have been flying through my mind.  It was surreal then and it's surreal now.  Walking away from the grave that morning tore my heart in two.  Losing a classmate, a friend, a brother in Christ is not easy--especially at the age of 16/17.  My 17th birthday just seemed...wrong...when I thought about him being gone.  Each December 1st that has passed, I grieve the loss again.  In my mind it just doesn't seem right.
  Today marks another anniversary.  One year ago, I received an early morning phone call from my dad that Grandpa had passed away.  Upon hearing the news of his condition the day before, I began making plans to drive home for the funeral.  Somehow I knew, that he wasn't going to pull out of it.  He had been in and out of the hospital/nursing home for a few years and we had heard it was the end numerous times....but somehow at this time last year, I knew it really was the end.  The early phone call did not come as a surprise.  I was never super close to Grandpa, but it was still a lost loved one.  I traveled home for the funeral.  Being with my dad's family again was good, but the occasion was difficult.  I am the last of the Geertz blood-line and it was hard to see Grandpa in the casket.  Remembering back to the days on the farm, I thought of the day he taught me how to snap my fingers.  It still brings a smile to my face.  As we said our final goodbyes at the grave, I broke down.  I knew my grandpa was in Heaven, I knew he had served his time...a long 94 years--but I was still sad.  My grandpa was gone.  Forever. I no longer had the chance to hug him and tell him I loved him.  My cousin grabbed me two carnations from the casket and reminded me Grandpa was in a better place.  I hugged my aunt and she told me it was all going to be okay.  I clutched onto the carnations and said one last goodbye.  My grandpa's death has become another December memory that will never leave.
  Soon I will celebrate my 23rd birthday.  It's kind of odd...I'm not excited for my birthday.  I don't really think it's a bad thing. I do not need or expect anything big or grand to happen on the 13th.  I have so much and I'm already blessed beyond measure--I don't need anything else.  I will be content to be engage in my education, work a few hours to make a living and talk with my family & friends.  Birthday's are a big deal to some, but I already feel blessed & loved...I don't need a special day set aside for it.
 Soon after the birthday festivities will be Christmas.  This Christmas will be a new experience for me.  I may miss my family Christmas get together for the first time since I was 4.  Growing up and moving 5 hours away from the family--it takes a toll on you.  I didn't recognize the toll it would take until I realized it meant being away on the holidays.  I made it home for Thanksgiving and "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams."  Sitting alone in my apartment on Christmas would be terrible.  If anything, I will do what I have to to get to IL, to my sisters house.  I pray God will allow the weather to stay calm enough for the three of us to make it back to Iowa to be with family.  Of all the family members, I am the farthest away so it makes me appreciate my family that much more.  My time with them is limited and it makes me realize how much they mean to me.
  Before I know it, January will be here.  December will prove to be a trying month for me, no doubt.  Old memories and new challenges will be etched into the calendar of my heart.  It's just another month, but I know it will not soon be forgotten.  So what's December all about anyway....?  Reflection? Yes, I think so.

Fall into Winter...

  Well, so far school is going well.  I finished my first class a couple weeks ago with a 98%.  It was incredibly boring but hey...it was a great GPA booster! I'm in my second class now...medical terminology.  So far, so good.  It's another boring class but it's great review to get my mindset back on the medical field for school.  The class is already flying by and soon it will be December and time to start my real OTA classes! :)   Outside of school there is work and social life.  Work is work....I'm happy to have a job that is flexible with my school schedule.  I honestly have a pretty easy job all things considered, so I will enjoy it while I can!  Actually, work alone has sort of become a bit of my social life.  It's the only time I really get to see all of my friends that are still Bethel students!  It's nice to get paid for seeing friends! :)
  It's hard to believe that November is here already.  I've been living in my apartment for just over three months, yet I feel like I've lived there for FOREVER!  Haha....so yes needless to say, I feel at home and I'm completely settled in!  I even have some "fall" decorations up, which makes it more homey.  I'm pumped to start decorating for Christmas though!!!  I hope to get a tree in the next couple weeks! :)
  It snowed this past Friday....off and on all day.  It led to me having to clean my car off for the first time of the "winter" season!!  Seeing the snow falling brought so very odd sense of happiness though.  It just sort of made me get excited for Christmas.  This could also be due to the fact that I was looking forward to the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert that I attended the next day! :)  I'll get back to the concert in a second...first more about Friday.  I worked a nine hour shift on Friday and after cleaning off my car to go home, I arrived to find that I had no power.  SOMEHOW our power went out for over 6 hours, though I still don't have a clue why.  I'm assuming a transformer went out, but no one knew for sure in my complex.  It was fun to meet a few of my neighbors as we stood outside trying to figure out what happened.  When I got back home after the power was turned on, I finally broke down and turned my heat on.  Because each room in the house has it's own thermostat, I figured I could just hold off on turning the heat on and use lots of blankets at night.  So besides one cold morning that I turned the heat on in my bathroom while I was getting ready, I waited until after the first snowfall to turn on the heat.  That was my initial plan and I held out on it!!!

 Saturday rolled around and Danielle & I took off for Peoria.  We met up with Andrew & Eamon to go to the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert.  It was one AMAZING concert.  I knew going into the whole thing that I would more than likely walk away with a headache.  The awesome music & incredible light show did exactly what I expected it to...made me want to crawl in a whole and cry!  By the time we got to dinner, I had such a terrible headache I thought I was going to get sick.  So, before ordering any real food, Andrew got me some water & crackers at the restaurant and I took some Excedrin.  I thought it'd be smart to take 3 Excedrin instead of my normal 2, just to make sure it killed the headache.  Well...my headache slowly disappeared, but then I really felt sick.  For the next 24-ish hours, I had an awful stomach ache.  I still don't know what caused it...if it was the pills or the food I ate, all I know is I felt like throwing up all stinkin' day!

  Despite the illness, I had a great weekend hanging out with my friends.  We enjoyed the concert and the awesome hotel that we got a GREAT deal on (Thank you, Andrew!).  Swimming in one pretty awesome pool, enjoying a hot tub and watching ridiculous YouTube videos by the fireplace...yep, doesn't get better than that!  Haha....and of course passing out in a big ole comfy bed all to myself was much appreciated as I felt sick.

  That was a pretty random update...but hey, better than nothing! :)

For the first time since this summer, I'm headed back to my mom's to enjoy some R&R.  It's so weird to say that....I mean it will always be home, but I don't live there anymore.  I've got a place of my own that I call home now.  I can't even say I just wanna go sleep in my own bed....because I have my own bed at my own place!  Oh the joys of growing up! :)
I'm learning to balance out school and work.  So far, so good.  I aced my first test this week at school.  It didn't really surprise me because it was easy material but regardless it made me happy to see "100%" written at the top of my exam when I got it back.  After talking with one of the OTA professors, I've come to the understanding that I will no longer have a life when I start the actual OT classes.  I'm....oh....so.......very ex....cited?  HA!  I'm nervous, but I think I can do it.  I guess we'll see just how hard it really is in a couple more months!
Aside from school and work, God's been teaching me a lot lately.  I am learning more about being dependent on HIM.  It's not an easy lesson to learn, especially when I'm trying to figure out life as an independent young adult!  God has great plans for me, and I am needing to be patient as I seek out what those plans are.  He is requiring me to be patient.  While patience is a strong point for me, He is kind of testing me on it.  I have to continually surrender to Him.  In the end...I know it will be worth it!  God's too good to leave me hanging without my needs being met.  It's all in HIS timing though!  I'm enjoying life and enjoying following God's plan for me.  Not to say it's easy, but it is rewarding.